Science, Religion and Our Emerging Culture

If you’re looking for advice on how to pick up a woman at a bar, this isn’t it, but if you’d like to know how to build a friendship with the opposite sex, then stay. Not that I’m the guru of first impressions, but what the heck, even an unwound clock is right twice a day.

First, you need to be comfortable with yourself. Not arrogant, not ignorant, just comfortable. If you’re not, she’ll probably figure out that you’re a phony or a loser. By the way, if you are, stop reading now, I can’t help you.

First piece of advice: don’t talk about yourself all the time. Let’s face it, you’re probably a little boring. Your story about how you saved the company 3% in office supplies isn’t really that fascinating. No offense, but let her do most of the talking.

This next one is very important: Look into her eyes while you’re having a conversation. Her breasts don’t speak, so there’s no point in staring at them. Unless she’s really …. but I’m losing my train of thought.

Now listen up, we’re getting to the most important stuff. Try and have a real conversation with the woman. You know, something you’re both interested in. It’s hard to believe, but she may not care if the Eagles beat the Cowboys.

Contrary to common belief, women do have a sense of humor. They will laugh if you happen to say something that’s actually funny. Laughter is a great way to break the ice and begin a friendship. Just as long as she’s laughing with you, not at you. You understand the difference, don’t you?

And above all, don’t try too hard. This is related to my first point, but somewhat different. Don’t push too hard or too fast, she’ll get suspicious. If she asks probing questions, tell her that all the charges were dropped, or whatever else comes to mind. Keep the conversation low-key and, well, conversational. There’s an old Chinese proverb that says just sprinkle a little water and the desert will bloom with a thousand flowers. Or some crap like that.

You’ll know pretty quickly if you and your target, er, acquaintance are hitting it off. If so, keep doing what you’re doing. If not, she’ll probably give you a hint that things aren’t going well. If she slaps your face and calls you a jerk, it’s a good clue to move on.

That’s my sure-fire way to develop a friendship with a woman. To summarize, keep your eyes up, breath normally, try not to be boring and don’t use any sentences including a body part.

And let me know if any of this stuff actually works.